Perpetually Single

Well I wasn’t that back in the 2000s.

Single didn’t suit me.

I wanted a man. I wanted the abuse that is monogamy so badly that I lost my entire 20s to one man.

No this one is stand up, not rapoetry* (as I call internet comedy “sit down standup comedy” yes, it’s trademarked)*

See, I met a boy, well, I fell into his arms when I had a beer off a stair and a Jell-O shot and tripped over a threshold…landing in the arms of a cute boy on my sister’s 21st birthday.

That boy, we shared a kiss. I did not acquire his phone number. But my sis did. Thanks sis, I’d love my 20s back.

10 years later, he cheats on me. After a wedding I didn’t want to attend, being given a drug I didn’t know was on the docket. And driving his cheating, sleeping butt all four hours home.

So, you see I’m voluntarily single.

Oh, wait, I know what you’re thinking: “but don’t you want a baby?”

First off: why the heck would I want a money drain that makes me sick, leaves stretch marks on my tight tummy, causes nine months of no cigarettes, then comes out of my favorite part of me – and destroys it?

Second: then that horrible monster screams at me, eats so much in food that I have to work extra shifts, maybe looks like it’s unfortunate father and becomes mean; and screaming, waking me up, constantly reminding me that I used to have a six pack, now I’m all flab, I never get to eat because the demon gremlin from within what used to be my favorite part of me, ripped me in two to be the worst partner in life ever.

No freaking thank you.

Yea – this one’s for you sis. Enjoy your demon gremlin, that ain’t me doll.

Oh btw, might I remind you: IM HERE TO PISS THE WORLD OFF.

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